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While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?
"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single?"
"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single?"
Don't Start
A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The barman points at him and says, " I'm gonna let you in this time, but don't you start anything"!
Monkey Measuring
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Doctor, It Hurts
I went to the Doctor and said, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this". He said, "Well, don't do it then."